Caring for aging parents is something many of us will need to do as we ourselves get older. It’s difficult to see those we love losing their ability to take care of what needs to be done, whether it’s managing their finances, buying groceries or maintaining good hygiene.
It’s never an easy call to make, but at some point, a choice must be made. The tipping point may come when:
• Mom lives alone and her low vision is putting her safety at risk.
• Dad has been hospitalized for a serious illness and has a lengthy recovery ahead.
• A parent with dementia begins to exhibit behaviors that could be dangerous.
These are just a few examples of when adult children may be faced with taking care of elderly parents on a long-term basis. Every family’s situation is unique, and there’s no single solution that’s right for every family.
What To Do With Elderly Parents Who Can No Longer Safely Live on Their Own?
Essentially, there are three options for elderly parents when families must take steps to ensure their safety and well-being:
• Move the parent in with a family member who can help with their care or, conversely, have someone, typically an adult child, move into the parent’s home.
• Hire a professional caregiver (and possibly other services to handle various tasks). This can be expensive, particularly if the parent needs a lot of assistance.
• Find an assisted living or memory care community, like The Seville of San Clemente, where the parent can enjoy an enhanced quality of life while receiving attentive care from qualified caregivers.
Sometimes Taking Care of Aging Parents Is a Three-Stage Process
It’s not unusual for families to opt for all three of the choices noted above when planning how to care for elderly parents.
1. If the family has the means to do so, they may start by hiring a professional caregiver to come in a few times a week or for a few hours each day.
2. If and when a hired caregiver is no longer enough, they may have the parent move in with a family member or vice versa. This situation may work well for a while.
3. Eventually, challenges may arise that cause the family to agree, along with the parent, that the best option is for the parent to move into a senior living community where the appropriate level of care is available.
Navigating the Parent-Child Role Reversal
When the parents who’ve been there throughout our lives begin turning to us for support, the shift can seem profound. It’s common to experience an array of emotions when taking on the responsibility of ensuring our aging parents can live their best lives.
It’s important to realize that our parents, too, are contending with this transition. It can be unsettling for them to gradually cede control over certain aspects of their lives, whether it’s their bank accounts, car keys or living arrangements. Keeping this in mind can be helpful during challenging times.
So how can families work together to achieve the optimal outcome for everyone concerned?
Start Having Conversations Early
All too often, a medical emergency forces families to make crucial decisions during a time of high stress. In this situation, the options may be limited and there may not be much time to evaluate the choices at hand.
With some planning, you can avoid this scenario. Find a good (calm) time to initiate a conversation with your parents about their future needs. You might want to start by simply introducing the topic and letting them know you’d like to begin putting together a plan now, while they can still fully participate in the decisions that will affect them.
You may get some pushback
This is normal. It may take several attempts to get your parents comfortable with talking about what lies ahead. Creating a plan will take multiple discussions and most likely some assistance from outside sources. Assure your parents that you only want what’s best for them.
If you have siblings or other relatives who will be involved in making decisions, you may want to talk with them before bringing up the subject with your parents. It’s a good idea to make sure you’re all in agreement ahead of time, if possible.
You don’t want your parents to feel as though they’re being confronted. This will put them on the defensive and make future efforts to talk more difficult.
Listen and Be Patient
This may seem like simple advice, yet it’s not always easy to act on. Emotions can take over, especially when you or your parents are tired or stressed. You, or they, may at times feel resentment, guilt, fear, frustration or any number of other emotions.
While you can’t control your parents’ behaviors and responses, you can remind yourself of the lifelong bond you share with them. If you have a tendency to revert to certain behaviors or thought patterns of your own when communicating with your parents, try to resist lapsing into old habits and pay careful attention to what they’re telling you.
It may be up to you to show them some extra love, compassion and respect. If you can do this, chances are they’ll reciprocate.
Take Care of Yourself
You may have already heard this repeatedly and know that it’s easier said than done: You have to take care of yourself or you won’t be able to take care of anyone else, including your parents.
You have your own obligations, which may include taking care of your children and spouse, as well as work-related responsibilities. Adding your parents’ needs on top of everything else can be overwhelming.
Are there friends or family members who can help? Are there services available in your area that can lighten the load you’re carrying?
Carving out time for yourself may seem impossible, but it’s vital to your own well-being. Take a breather every so often. Make time for activities you enjoy. Spend time with friends and others who can uplift your spirits.
How to find support
Caring for one’s parents isn’t easy. Caregiver burnout is real and can have long-term consequences on your mental, emotional and physical health. Seeking help from a support group or a family counselor may be time well invested.
The Family Caregiver Alliance and AARPÂ offer resources for those who are providing care for an aging family member.
An online search can also help you find support groups and organizations in your area.
Assisted Living and Memory Care at The Seville
Our community offers a refined environment in which older adults can benefit from personalized, supportive care, an engaging social life and luxury amenities such as chef-prepared meals, our Zenergy wellness program and a beautiful outdoor pool.
There’s so much residents appreciate about the lifestyle at The Seville of San Clemente, whether they’re with us for assisted living or memory care.
We invite you to come see for yourself. Let’s set up a time for you to visit. We’ll show you around, answer your questions and give you the opportunity to talk with residents about what it’s like to live here.
Contact us to arrange your visit.
Featured Image: Yuganov Konstantin / Shutterstock
